And it gets so hard to know how to trust...

I love rediscovering Sara Groves' music. It seems when I feel as though I am experiencing crises, it's always the first album I put in. When the choas is over, I place it back in its case and I don't ever think about it. Then, for some reason...something will happen and I will be like, it reminds me of that Sara Groves song. Before I know it I am singing along in my car. Today was a rediscovering-Sara-Groves day.

What a day. What a weekend. Sleep...null. Food...hardly. A lot of questions...a lot. A lot of Ibuprofen. I am not sure what all has gone on. I feel like it's been kind of like a car wreck. Ironically, I witnessed a car wreck on Friday night...a horrible car wreck and I was the only witness. The girl stepped out of her totalled car, arm bleeding profusely, and the first thing she said to me was: "Did you see what happened? I have no idea how this happened." Exactly car-wreck-girl. I feel as though I am waking up, upside down in my car...banged up, but not sure how I got to this point. I want to stop and ask someone: "Did you see what happened? I have no idea what happened."

Running tally of the emotions of the past two days: confusion, betrayal, hurt, shock, dismay, stupidity, anxiety, pity, heartbroken, void of speech, loss, totally duped, scared, sad, sick, naive, depressed...and did I mention confused?

Things will get better. As Sara says, "I will not let this bitter root grow in me." I have let others' problems affect my life to a degree it never should have reached. My life is uncomplicated, simple. I have school; I have work; I have incredible friends and family; I have a dog. I don't have drama, usually. I don't want drama. I wash my hands of this drama. It's just hard to watch people I care about in the middle of an emotional "tornado" and not step in to do something, to sound off a "tornado warning"...if you will. I am a chronic fixer...I want to fix every problem that comes my way, whether it's mine to fix or not. That's something I most definitely need to work on. I realize that's a problem I have. I need boundaries...I need distance...I need a magarita.

Tomorrow is a new day. Thank God for that. Thank God for simplicity and mercy and the kind of love you find in 1 Corinthians 13. Happier blogs to come my sweet ones.

"Tornado" by Sara Groves

You live your life like a tornado.
Destruction follows everywhere you go.
And you have no plans to stop or slow.

I will not let this bitter root grow in me.
I will not let you leave that legacy.
But it gets so hard when pain is all I see.

And every time I find healing, you're making a new mess.
And I am learning the real meaning of forgiveness.

And I tried to remove myself from your path,
but I keep on waking up in the aftermath.
So I pick up again and say I won't look back.

And I will not let this bitter root grow in me.
I will not let you leave that legacy.
But this constant fight is breaking me.

And every time I find healing, you're making a new mess.
And I am learning the real meaning of forgiveness.

And it hurts when you hit at the hearts of the ones I love;
when everything you touch is rubble and dust.
And it gets so hard to know how to trust.

But I will not let that bitter root grow.
I will not let it, no no.
But it gets so hard.

And every time I find healing you're making a new mess.
And I am learning the real meaning of forgiveness.