Johnny Panic comes to town...

So, I thought I better post something so Tee Cake will stop bothering me. Sheesh.

Let's see...there's really nothing of any importance to note.

I am looking for a job in the Metroplex, and I am excited about several potential leads at different companies that I am interested in. I do not know when I want to move though, so I have a few things to figure out. I can't approach this all "willy-nilly"...or whatever.

I think I have OD'd on Sylvia Plath. I read a short story called "Johnny Panic and the Bible of Dreams" yesterday, and in talking to my mother about it I was like, "I wish I could get into her mind just for a second...just to see what the hell she is even talking about." My mom was like, "Well...as long as you don't stick your head in an oven." Oh, Debs...you are so funny! Anyway, in going back over it I have decided that...maybe, to really understand where she is coming from, you have to get to that breaking point. Right now, I am not willing to ride that mental roller coaster with Syl, so I am going to try to approach the story from the angle that will work best for my thesis...wrangle up whatever I can from what I am working with...and move on. Dwelling on her work is detrimental to the soul. That's what I have discovered this week.

Have I mentioned that I want out of school and out of Abilene in a bad way? Well, I do.

At this point, I think I would even take a Greyhound bus ticket. Now, that's desperate people!

This week brings quite a bit of school work. I need to finish two presentations and two papers. However, I am rewarding myself with a trip to Ft. Worth at the end of the week. Emily has a wedding shower and, of course, Katy needs a visit from Ashley and me.

Focusing on light at the end of the tunnel...
and I'm out.

Where the flame turns blue...

I went looking for someone I left behind.
Yeah, but no-one, just a stranger did I find.
I never noticed, hadn't seen it as it grew,
the void between us where the flame turns blue.

Different places, well they all look much the same.
Dreams of faces in the streets devoured by names.
I'm in collision with every stone I ever threw.
And blind ambition where the flame turns blue.

Words dismantled, hey and all the books unbound.
Conversations, though we utter not a sound.
I heard a rumor, I don't know if it's true,
that you'd meet me when the flame turns blue.

So I venture underneath the leaden sky.
See the freight train with its one fierce eye.
And then I listen as it tears the night in two
with a whistle and the flame turns blue.

In the morning I will sing.
In the morning I will sing.

Through the lemon trees the diamonds of light
break in splinters on the pages where I write
that if I lost you, I don't know what I'd do,
burn forever where the flame turns blue.

Yeah if I lost you, I don't know what I'd do...
burn forever where the flame turns blue.

In the morning I will sing.
In the morning I will sing.
In the morning I will sing.
In the morning I will sing.

And if I listen to the sound of white...

sometimes I hear your smile, and breathe your light.
Yeah, if I listen to the sound of white....
You're my mystery.

Hello friends. Man, it's been a while and I'm sorry. I don't really know where the time has gone...but then again, I can't recall what I had for dinner, so there you go. I think it's more of a memory problem than me being so busy that the time has just flown by.

Well, slowly but surely I am working on my thesis. It's overwhelming at times. Right now...I equate it with...hmm...okay, say you really want green beans for dinner, and in this analogy you live on a farm that happens to grow green beans. Well, first you have to gather the green beans. Then you must break off the tips and discard them. Then you have to break them into smaller pieces. Then you must wash them. Then you have to cook them. All of this work when the idea, "I could really go for some green beans", seemed so simple. You have to go through all of that just to set down to a plate of green beans. Well, that's how I feel about this "project". I mean, I know what I want. I have said, "You know, I could really go for having my finished thesis sitting on my desk ready to turn in", but unfortunately, that simple idea is a multi-step process. Right now I am in the gathering/discarding stage of the process. Research. Gathering every piece of "evidence" I can to back my original idea, and throwing away the crappy stuff...isn't that a scientific term? Crappy stuff. I have written a little bit, but it's so hard to take an idea and make it tangible. I know what I want to accomplish, but I have no idea how to get there. Make sense?

Tonight I got to see my brother Miles, Peets, Carrie, and Ashley play at an open mic night. By the end of the night they talked me into playing and singing as well, and this party was sans alcohol...crazy, I know. I don't know what got into me. All in all, it was a fun...albeit at times mundane..."party". It was on HSU campus. That should tell you all you need to know.

Alright, it's time for me to...do something. I will probably watch Nick-at-Nite and fall asleep with my glasses on. Afterall, that is what I do.

Deuces.

I am really into extracurricular activities...

Want to join?

Rainer Maria Rilke...

"For it is not inertia alone that is responsible for human relationships repeating themselves from case to case, indescribably monotonous and unrenewed: it is shyness before any sort of new, unforeseeable experience with which one does not think oneself able to cope. But only someone who is ready for everything, who excludes nothing, not even the most enigmatical, will live the relation to another as something alive and will himself draw exhaustively from his own existence. For if we think of this existence of the individual as a larger or smaller room, it appears evident that most people learn to know only a corner of their room, a place by the window, a strip of floor on which they walk up and down. Thus they have a certain security. And yet that dangerous insecurity is so much more human."

It's that time of year again...

my favorite time of the year...fall. I love fall. I love having to carry a sweater with me. I love sleeping with the windows open and waking up snuggled beneath my down comforter. I love feeling the crunch of fallen leaves under my shoes. In short, I love fall.

I know it's fall when SING and Homecoming at HSU rolls around. This weekend is Homecoming and tomorrow night I am going to SING with my family. This is the first time since 2000 that I have had absolutely nothing to do with SING. I no longer have to make sure everything is going right back stage. I don't have to worry about the cast knowing their lines. I don't have to work with David for hours on end to make sure the script is going to work. I don't have to be nervous as the curtains rise on opening night, which is tonight. I have somehow escaped the realm of SING, and I am so thankful for that fact. Life has been a little more stress-free than it was during this time last year, so...yay!

Speaking of this time last year, my blog celebrated it's first year in existence at the end of September. It's kind of entertaining to look back and see what all was going on in my life at that time. It makes me thankful for the people that are in my life now, and I can see how God has worked in my life during the past year, which is always good to reflect on.

So, other than Homecoming, nothing big is going on. I am working on my thesis, which I need to kick into high gear. I am currently having a love affair with my Powerbook, which I adore. I thought in getting the PB I would spend quite a bit of time working on my thesis, but instead I have just been adding a lot of music, writing obscure things for fun (not work), and talking to friends online. It's no good. I must focus.

Okay, well...I better get back to work. I hope all of you have a fabulous weekend!

Oh, and the "Filthy Lexicon" says, "Where's my Mickey Mouse shirt, b?!"

If it looks like it works and it feels like it works...

then it works.

"Wow"- Snow Patrol

Don't be scared of anything at all.
Everything we have is all we need.
All the spotlights streaming into angry skies
means there's no one watching as we leave.
Say the first thing that
comes into your head when you see me.
If it looks like it works and it feels like it works
then it works.
With the sun on your face
all these worries will soon disappear.
Just follow me now.
Just follow me now.
I find careful patterns in the snow.
It seems you did come around but changed your mind.
If you'd just take ten more steps to me,
I won't ever ask you again.
Just because I couldn't say doesn't make me a liar.
I noticed a change in the tone of your voice.
It's so clear.
My role in this mess
is not something that I can be proud of,
but it's all going to change.
Yes, it's all going to change
All going to change.
Yes it's all going to change.
Say the first thing that
comes into your head when you see me.
If it looks like it works and it feels like it works
then it works.
With the sun on your face
all these worries will soon disappear.
Just follow me now.
Just follow me now.

In cleaning my room...

a letter that I wrote in 6th grade fell out of an old book. Apparently I wrote it to my "boyfriend" and never gave it to him. Oh, middle school.

BJ (annoying little squiggly marks)
Hey! That test really wasn't that hard in history. I forgot to study last night. DUH! (Yes, "duh" is in all caps with an exclamation point.) Do you know Sonya Marean? She says you're a pain in the butt! (Oh, I remember when I used to say butt.) She says you call her names! (Melia, calm down with the exclamation points.) You don't do you? Don't be a jerk. (That makes me laugh.) Speaking of jerks, I have Dru Willis this period! Mrs. McKeever always gets on to him. I don't blame her! He's a little, ugly, squid! (Man...how did I live without using expletives? Oh, that's right. I called people "squids", apparently.) I'm sorry you have math next period. It would be fun if I was in there with you! (I must have really loved this boy to have wanted to be in math with him...thinking it would be "fun". I hate math.)
Love,
Melia (with another squiggly mark and a badly drawn appears-to-be daisy)
p.s. Call me tonight. No, I won't be home. I'll call you but I can only talk for a few minutes!
p.p.s. I can't believe you made me watch Arachnophobia. It was stupid. (To this day, I am sticking to my guns on that one.)

It makes a difference...

"When I Go"- Over the Rhine

It makes a difference
when you walk through a room
with that worrisome smile,
road weary perfume.

But this isn't the place
and it isn't the time
for this beautiful delusion
that is robbing me blind.

I want to know.
I want to know.
Will it make a difference
when I go?

It makes a difference
that I'm feeling this way,
with plenty to think about
and so little to say.

Except for this confession
that is poised on my lips...
I'm not letting go.
I'm just losing my grip.

I want to know.
I want to know
Will it keep you guessing
when I go?

What is a love
if the love's not my own?
This is not my home.
This is lonely,
but never alone.

I just want to hold you
in my gaze for a while
so I can remember
every line around your smile.

Then I want to know.
I want to know.
Will it make a difference
when I go?

"I have a medical condition..."

As you may have read in my friend's (The Tool) blog, this weekend I was in Dallas for Bad Girls' Weekend Vol. 2. I hate to repeat everything Ashley said, so I will try to remember various details she left out. I should just list them...it takes less brain power.

1. Ashley played a tiny guitar on the back porch. Rockin'!
2. Katy makes terrific cocktails. I make cocktails that no one will remember the next morning.
3. I can fall asleep standing up. Is it a gift? Is it a curse? I don't know...it's just a fact.
4. Katy's bike was not stolen off the back of her Passat, but someone did steal the Passat. JK. I think Ashley may have stolen a side-panel though. She's sneaky.
5. I was either married by or married to a guy named Mikey at The Library in downtown Ft. Worth. Where's my damn ring?!
6. La Bamba isn't such a bad movie; I think I saw Katy crying. I am sorry for my snide comments Ashley.
7. I bought the most comfortable shoes in the entire world this weekend, and they were only $20.
8. Katy is extremely talented in getting free drinks for not just herself, but Ashley and me too.
9. There's nothing better than 3 absolutely delirious girls ordering breakfast from a crazy old woman at 4:30am. Katy could barely order her oatmeal through the laughter.
10. When someone says they are buying "sunglasses", they probably aren't. That same person will probably thump you on the forehead later...or tickle you...whatever.
11. At some point, while walking downtown, one of the girls said, "God, I love being a woman!" What does this mean?
12. There is definitely something to be said for lounging around the house all day. I'm for it!
13. Ashley showed off her lock-picking skills with a wooden stick. That's talent.
14. The drive back to Abilene seems a lot shorter when you've got terrific conversation and your best friend.
15. Last but not least..."I have a medical condition!"