Gringo Starr...

Oh, Mike Murray...if you weren't so old (or if you looked like Dennis Quaid) I would marry you.

I have been triple-dog dared to blog, so...here it is.

This summer has started off on a great foot. I have spent most of my afternoons reading, watching reruns of "Judging Amy" on TNT, and working out, and most of my evenings with friends. I think this is how life is meant to be. Yes, yes it is.

Okay, this is random but think back with me to the "Cheers" theme song: "You wanna go where everybody knows your name." How true is that? It's so nice to go places where people know your name and what your "usual" is. Now, I don't go to Bedford Street a lot. Well, I am not sure what your definition of "a lot" is, but I don't think I go there a lot. Anyway, last night I was sitting with Cliff (which seems fitting as he was one of the men always sitting at the bar on "Cheers". I guess that makes me Norm) and ordered a rum and coke, and the bartender, who I now know as "Cathy", said "I will bring that right over, Melia." It caught me off guard. I had to sit there a second and question whether or not I frequent this particular "pub" too much. I rationalized the situation this way: 1) She may have a photographic memory and since she is often the one to card me, she may remember my name that way. 2) She picked it up in the conversation as she removed bottles and glasses from our table. 3) She's a crazy middle-aged stalker. 4) I go to Bedford Street more than I actually thought. Then I started panicking...maybe I have a drinking problem. Do I have a drinking problem?! With a panic attack quickly approaching, I looked down to see a regular Diet Coke on the table in front of me...sans alcohol...took a deep breath and returned to a random conversation on paranormal events.

Nanneman came in this past weekend, which was awesome. We all hung out in Peets' backyard, sitting around a small bonfire and talking late into the night. Tippen was there, and I had the privilege of watching him burn holes in his clothes with falling ash...classy.

Monday evening we had a large poker party with a lot of new faces, which is always nice. I discovered my liking for Cosmopolitan's...yes, they are fabulous. I ended up winning nine dollars, which isn't much, but it fed my newfound Alfredo's burrito fettish. I really should stop with the Alfredo's. You know you love something too much when you think about moving and you're like, but...what will I do without so-and-so? I don't know that I can leave! I had that exact thought as I ate there with Rachel today. I think it's their incredible combination of seasoned beef, guacamole, potatoes, and rice that I cannot say no to.

So, things are changing and for the first time I am an advocate. I helped Rachel move everything out of her house today and into her parent's house. That is a big change for her. I will be moving in the near future. I am starting a new job in July. There are other small changes, but even with the large ones, I am looking forward to the change of pace and scenery. For the first time ever, I can look at change and see that it is good for me. With change comes growth, and if we're not growing...we might as well wither away.

Well, I better go get ready for the evening and for the craziness of this weekend. Tonight is my brother Miles' graduation party and tomorrow he graduates. Tomorrow evening...partying with Clifford. Sunday, Trevor is coming in town and we are going to have dinner with a few of his friends. Monday is Memorial Day...and I know we are supposed to remember....something on that day, but instead I think I will lay out by the pool with Cold Mountain in one hand and a daquiri in the other, trying to forget all I need to do during the upcoming week.

Cheers.

Dare you to move...

Dare You to Move by Switchfoot

Welcome to the planet.
Welcome to existence.
Everyone's here.
Everyone's here.
Everybody's watching you now.
Everybody waits for you now.
What happens next?
What happens next?

I dare you to move.
I dare you to move.
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor.
I dare you to move.
I dare you to move.
Like today never happened.
Today never happened before.

Welcome to the fallout.
Welcome to resistance.
The tension is here.
The tension is here.
Between who you are and who you could be.
Between how it is and how it should be.

I dare you to move.
I dare you to move.
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor.
I dare you to moveI dare you to move.
Like today never happened.
Today never happened.

Maybe redemption has stories to tell.
Maybe forgiveness is right where you fell.
Where can you run to escape from yourself?
Where you gonna go?
Where you gonna go?
Salvation is here.

I dare you to move.
I dare you to move.
I dare you to lift yourself,
lift yourself up off the floor.
I dare you to move.
I dare you to move
like today never happened.
Today never happened.
Today never happened.
Today never happened before.

Birthday parties and why I want to be in a band...

The farther I get into summer, the more I love it. Seriously. All I did yesterday was: woke up late, threw on a swimsuit, sat in a reclining chair by the pool reading for two hours, worked out, went shopping with Miles, and attended a birthday party. Ridiculous, right? I love summer.

I was thinking about birthdays, and about how fast the years fly by. I remember my 16 birthday vividly-- my 18th--etc. I remember being there when Mason was born and he just celebrated his 10th birthday. This year Grant will be 25. Yesterday Cliff turned 30 (Congratulations, buddy! Instead of taking it badly I have never seen you happier!). In two weeks I will be 23. Whoa. I can remember sitting in home economics in seventh grade, working on some hopelessly cheesy timeline of what I wanted my future to be like. I found it earlier this year and as I pulled it out, looking at magazine clippings of what I wanted my future husband to look like (I am sure those of you who know me will laugh at the fact that even when I was 12 years old I wanted a skinny guy in glasses), my future kids, my house, etc. I looked to the second page which was the timeline and sat there in a moment of silence when it said 2003-- get accepted into medical school and get married, and 2004--have my first child. (Insert screeching brake or a record on a turntable coming to a complete, abrupt stop right here.) What? I have had this same conversation with countless friends, and the only thing we can say is: "Oh, man. Oh, well." I may never be a doctor (maybe not of literature, and sure not of actual medicine). I may not be married or have children by the time I wanted to, but I sure didn't see the many blessings I have encountered on my timeline, and it's nice to have those surprises. One of the magazine kids on my timeline was ugly anyway, so maybe it's better that that didn't pan out. jk.

Okay, so the birthday party was a full success, thanks to Ashley and Toby. Homemade lasagna, salad, sangria, cake, neapolitan ice cream (Napoleon, for you), presents, etc. Miles and I scoured most every store in Abilene looking for the perfect shirt, but we ended up finding the perfect hat for Cliff's gift. Ashley always wanted to make him a shirt to wear at gigs that said "Call Me" and had his phone number. Well, Miles and I were in AE and low and behold, I look down and there is a semi-trucker hat that is dark yellow with a navy bill and has a patch that reads "Call Me" and has a space underneath for a person to write their number in with a sharpee. After he opened it and pledged to wear it at Friday and Saturday's gigs, I wrote his number in and he ended up sporting it later last night when we went to Bedford Street for drinks. Talking to him over the past few weeks makes me realize how many seriously crappy girls there are out there, and most of them have made their way to him. I think he and I may be magnets for crazy people, however he deserves all of the sympathy because he has actually had to share living quarters with a few of them. Wowza.

Okay, so now the "I want to be in a band" portion of this entry. I went to Blues Night or Jam with the Band Night or whatever at ACL last week and I was talking to a few of my friends playing pool and I see several beautiful girls approach Cliff, whisper in his ear as their hands are around his neck, and walk away. I was like, hmmm.... Then I began recalling nights where Ashley would be playing and guys would come up, offer to buy her a drink, write numbers on napkins, whisper things to her, and walk away. There is something to this. Maybe it's because they are both musically talented and mysterious. I have always believed musicians to have a certain amount of mystique. I need some of this mystique. Can you purchase it? I wonder if it would be packaged or bottled. Ashley...you're married; defer the least slimy guys to me. Maybe I could just stand up on stage with a guitar (real or air), or maybe you could give me a tambourine or something. It could work. Cliff, you didn't even need the hat...and by the way, though the girl at ACL's boyfriend was big and looked kind of intimidating, it didn't seem like she cared; she was sitting five feet from him and she stood 2 cm. from you. That should say something...I am just not sure what. I told you we could take him. Next time I will jump on his back and cover his eyes and you can just start punching. We watch The Contender. He should have been scared. Also, it's only a matter of time before Mindy (I'm glad you know the correct name now...for future reference. Before last night she had been Lindy/Mindy/Nicky, whatever.) comes around. Just keep wearing the hat around YourMomLooksLikeNickyHilton; it will so happen. If not, we've got the pact...seven years.

Rachel: You can't have two back-ups!
Phoebe: Come on, it only makes sense to back-up your back-up.

If anyone wants to start a fake rock band, where we just get up, get the attention of attractive men, and lip sync, let me know. I have only gotten one response thus far and it was from Ashlee Simpson and I was like, "Umm...no, Ash. People already know you're an imposter and I don't need that rep in a band that is just starting out." Then I told her I liked her haircut or something.

The act of washing your hands...

I got in around midnight from my weekend vacay, which took me thru exciting places such as: the Metroplex, Hillsboro, Waco, some tiny down called Hico, and Dublin. I couldn't help wondering, as I passed through Dublin, whether or not each house I drove by had Dublin Dr. Pepper in the refrigerator. As far as I could tell, Dublin would be a ghost town, except for the fact that Dr. Pepper is manufactured there. That would be an interesting documentary-- going door to door asking the Dubliners whether or not they partake in Dr. Pepper. I am pretty sure that the houses where the people are not big Dr. Pepper fans, those people would have it coming to them. Kind of on the same level with Hawthorne's The Scarlet Letter. Okay, maybe not that bad. It was 11:00pm, I had driven a long time, and my imagination got the best of me.

Onwards and upwards.

The weekend was absolutely amazing and exactly what I needed. The drive down was incredible, but I will get to that later (look for ending passage, complete with song lyrics). Once I got there all of my friends and I met up in downtown Ft. Worth at Sundance Square. We ate at a place called Mi Cocina and it was fantastic! The best part of the evening was the company, although the dessert I ate at Bennigans takes a close second. I am so thankful that Emily, Trevor, Kim, Kris, and Katie could come together at, kind of, the last minute to hang out. We walked around downtown, which is one of my favorite things to do, and ran into live music, street preachers, and other things Abilene is missing out on. Later that night we all parted ways, which was a good thing because Kim and Kris made me laugh so hard all night that my side literally hurt. This question still lingers from Friday: What wouldn't Meatloaf do for love?! If any of you have any suggestions, feel free to share. After talking about it for 15 minutes, we came up with some interesting answers, but I think Meatloaf had something much more profound in mind. Yeah...

Saturday was awesome! I will go over the main highlights. 1)I went on a shopping spree at Barnes and Noble. No one rushed me. I got a frappucino out of the deal, as well as two books I have been really wanting. A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius by Dave Eggers, and Cherry by Mary Karr, which is the sequel to The Liar's Club. I know that the purchasing of books being number 1 on the weekend's main highlights makes me a nerd, but I embrace the nerdiness. 2) Sitting in the massage chair at The Sharper Image. This chair was incredible. I didn't want to get up, ever. I just sat there, imagining the chair sitting in my future living room. I told one of the guys that worked there that if I bought this chair I would give it a foreign name, such as Julio or Esteban or Jaques. I would tell people I had to get home to my personal masseuse, Esteban. Wouldn't that be a great thing to come home to? 3) Charley's hamburgers and crazy poker. Luckily I had on my "poker hat", so Lady Luck was extremely kind in the hands I was dealt. No, not really...I don't believe in Lady Luck, but maybe Lady Kim and her inability to deal bad hands. (Photographs from this evening will be posted ASAP.)

Sunday, in my mind, could not have come soon enough, but now that it has passed...I wish I will still anxious for it to get here. I went to lunch with Kim and Kris and then headed to Waco to spend the day with Grant. The day consisted of: conversation with his parents, Sonic, Cameron Park (which was unbelievably beautiful), sitting and talking in their incredible backyard amidst so many beautiful plants and flowers and randomly two chickens, a trip to Ross and Bridget's house to see their twins, Ryland and Sterling, holding babies for over an hour, the best dinner date I have had in ages (with Grant)--steak, shrimp, caesar salad, and a long drive back home. Sunday was the most relaxing day I have had in a long time, though we did a lot. It is the greatest feeling to be with someone and not have to worry about talking too much, what your hair looks like, whether or not you make sense or sound stupid, having to be on guard, etc. The moments where you can just lose yourself because you feel at home. That's how I felt all day yesterday, and then I had to turn around and follow a 2-lane highway in the dark back to a place where I don't want to be. Soon enough...soon enough. The only thing that put a smile on my face, or rather a look of shock, as I was leaving were the gas signs I passed that read: Unleaded $1.99. I quickly caught myself being super thankful that gas was under two dollars, and then realized that when I first began driving gas was 99 cents. Man.

Okay, honestly, the best part of this entire weekend was the driving. In everyday life, how many of us have even one hour of uninterrupted time to sit and talk to God? This weekend I had many hours and they were much needed. Being in my car with the radio turned off and just God and me was the most refreshing and powerful feeling. I am sure you all know the feeling: You are talking to God, expressing concerns, pleading, praising, etc. and then, somehow, something hits you upside the head, catches you off-guard, and your time with God and the concerns you wanted to express completely changes-- the focus shifts. This is what happened to me and it was exactly what I needed at exactly the right time.

I believe that God wants us to cry out to Him: In times of frustration, anger, hurt, joy, in every situation. God wants us to question Him. God wants us to ask for clarity when we are confused and we do not understand what He is doing in our lives. This is exactly what happened, and I can understand if you just want to scroll down to the end of this entry, but this was important to me so I want to capture it in words. I was in my car with the Journey to the Well (Grace CD) turned down low. I had been conversing with Him...frustrated about a lot of things. Basically I was being selfish, i.e. "How can the truth cause so much hurt when You said it shall set us free", "How can the truth be manipulated into lies and misunderstood", "I hate being misunderstood and thought a liar when I just want there to be justice", "God, what are You doing with this mess of a situation? Don't let lies and deceit and betrayal win. You are a God of truth and love and Satan is winning this battle. Your children are hurting." I am talking, yelling, crying, there are people driving past me in Dallas traffic thinking, that girl needs help. I kept hoping that they thought I had one of those hands free cell phone things and was in a huge fight with my boyfriend or something, but...you know... you can feel His presence beside you. And, at the end of all of my pleading and praising and praying, I turned the CD up to hear the words: "I'm forgiven because You were forsaken. I'm accepted, You were condemned", and that was the answer to several of my questions and pleas. He was saying to me, loud and clear, "Melia...misunderstood, thought a liar, manipulation, betrayal...you think I have not felt these things? I came to Earth as the Son of God, the Messiah, but very few believed me and it was the Truth. People mistook my message of love and manipulated my words and my mission into lies. I was betrayed by my own disciple, Judas, with a kiss on the cheek. You are being selfish and trying to save your own image. I have ever been the Way, the Truth... and people would not listen or trust, and the price I had to pay was My life. I have a plan and a purpose for this. Your life is not on the line, but the lives of other people important to you are. Have faith in me, pray for them, and understand that you will be misunderstood, but if you are grounded in Me, your core cannot be shaken." Whoa! Wake-up call. It is hard to hear sometimes, difficult to process, but it is beautiful because you know it is raw and real and He has never forgotten nor will He ever forsake you. This was, by far, the best moment of the weekend. I felt like my heart was finally being shoved back into the right place-- from darkness back into the light.

Okay, final thing...the Derek Webb (from the band Caedmon's Call) album "She Must and Shall Go Free" is a must-have. I had forgotten I owned it, put it in, scanned through several of the songs and landed on this one. Back to back wake-up calls are dangerous, but this one song provided me with a very real wake-up call, opening my eyes and bringing tears to them. I am so blessed, truthfully. I don't mean for this post to sound sappy at all, but really...I am so blessed. We are so loved, and yet so unworthy. Grace...it's beautiful. We turn away and deny Him, and He is there with arms wide open ready to forgive and take us into His arms and say, "Welcome back my Child. I have missed you." We are all "prodigals" with no way home, except through Him.

"Wedding Dress" by Derek Webb

If You could love me as a wife,
and for my wedding gift Your life,
should that be all I'd ever need,
or is there more I'm looking for?

And should I read between the lines,
and look for blessings in disguise,
to make me handsome, rich, and wise,
is that really what You want?

I am a whore I do confess,
but I put You on just like a wedding dress
and I run down the aisle.
I run down the aisle.
I'm a prodigal with no way home,
but I put You on just like a ring of gold
and I run down the aisle.
I run down the aisle to You.

So could You love this bastard child,
though I don't trust You to provide,
with one hand in a pot of gold,
and with the other in Your side?

I am so easily satisfied
by the call of lovers so less wild
that I would take a little cash
over Your very flesh and blood.

Because money cannot buy
a husband's jealous eye
when you have knowingly
deceived his wife.

I am a whore I do confess,
but I put You on just like a wedding dress
and I run down the aisle.
I run down the aisle.
I'm a prodigal with no way home,
but I put You on just like a ring of gold
and I run down the aisle.
I run down the aisle to you.

If I just breathe...

This week has flown by. The first week of summer vacation has proved rejuvenating: swimming, reading by the pool, lunches with friends, time to relax at night or hang out, time to work out and lay out, and this weekend is (the highly anticipated) first road trip of the summer. I am so excited about the weekend and all of the people (that should have never left me in Abilene) I get to see! Friday night, party at Sundance Square with Trevor, Emily, Kim, Kris, Katie and Josh. I am thinking...kareoke?! I know you support that, Emily. Rock.

One of the main highlights of the weekend involves the possibility of spending the day with one Mr. Grant Kemper, and the fact that I may get to play with babies...Grant's two nephews who were born in April. If any of you know me, you know that I could truly not be happier knowing that I may get to hold babies and hang out with Grant--two of my favorite things in the world occurring in the same vicinity on the same day?! It seems like, in order for this to happen, it would have to be kismet (one of the many Yiddish words I told my coffee buddy from tonight I would try to incorporate into dialogue/conversation/writing from now on), or maybe all the stars are aligning or something...if I believed in any of that crap. Either way, it is exciting!

I want to take this space on my blog to say congratulations to all of you who graduated this May. CONGRATULATIONS! Grant, you are finally finished (until your start your job) doing whatever majors in Aerospace Engineering do. I am sure I will never know. Kudos.

I also want to tell my baby brother, Mason, happy birthday kiddo! I know you sometimes see my blog, and I didn't get you a card-- only "The Incredibles"-- so...here is your cybercard of sorts, buddy. Though you are only ten years old, I will always remember the fact that you know more about football (on secondhand, all sports) than I have ever cared to know. Thank you for taking time out on your birthday to explain interceptions and first downs to me as we played street football in the cul-de-sac. You are smart guy, and I expect great things from you, goobie.

Quote of the day:
M: So, you're birthday is on Tuesday. Is there anything you want?
C: Yeah, the last month of my life back.
M and C: Hesitant laughter-- knowing how funny, but how true and bitter the statement is.

Well, I suppose I should get to bed. I need to get up early and get a few things accomplished before heading out on I 20. I am looking so forward to leaving Abilene and being in my car for a few hours with nothing but good music and an exciting destination!

I will (unfortunately) be back in A-town on Sunday-ish. Until then, deuces.

Test your knowledge...

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Lewis on love...

To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to be sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safely in the casket or the coffin of your selfishness. But, in that casket--safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, unredeemable. The only place outside heaven where you can be safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is hell. --C. S. Lewis

A reminder to all of us...

Last night I met a friend for a drink. Two and a half hours later I emerged with that same void-of-speech feeling. Of course I talked while I was with Cliff, but when you are sitting in your car alone or in the midst of friends who cannot comprehend it is this feeling of speechlessness or being completely void of any thought. It's almost trance-like. The most humorous event that came out of the past day and a half (well, not including morbid, dark comedy) was when, after talking for hours on end with someone and not having any thoughts left to say I went home, opened the refrigerator to get a bottle of water, and ten minutes later realized I had been standing there with the refrigerator door open (which is an act highly punishable in the McFarland household), just staring at nothing. Looking through the water bottle; without a thought in my head. When I realized what I was doing all I could muster was, "wow", and I moved on. Crazy how thinking and talking can drain you more than running a marathon sometimes.

Anyway, moving on. Pulling out of the parking lot last night a song I had forgotten about filled my car and the words were exactly what I needed to hear. When your faith slips, when you lose who you thought you were, who you thought other people were, when you feel unworthy or broken (and I know we have all been there), God wants us to remember these things. This is for everyone who has ever had those thoughts. Mainly this is for you and me, Cliff, and the conversation we had last night involving our prayers and our worries. I hope we can remember these words always, and remember that God is not finished with us yet, and that His plan for all of His children is far better than we can see right now. This is His promise to all of us.

"You Cannot Lose My Love" by Sara Groves

You will lose your baby teeth.
At times, you'll lose your faith in me.
You will lose a lot of things,
but you cannot lose my love.

You may lose your appetite.
Your guiding sense of wrong and right.
You may lose your will to fight,
but you cannot lose my love.

You will lose your confidence.
In times of trial, your common sense.
You may lose your innocence,
but you cannot lose my love.

Many things can be misplaced;
your very memories be erased.
No matter what the time or space,
you cannot lose my love.

You cannot lose...
You cannot lose...
You cannot lose my love.

And it gets so hard to know how to trust...

I love rediscovering Sara Groves' music. It seems when I feel as though I am experiencing crises, it's always the first album I put in. When the choas is over, I place it back in its case and I don't ever think about it. Then, for some reason...something will happen and I will be like, it reminds me of that Sara Groves song. Before I know it I am singing along in my car. Today was a rediscovering-Sara-Groves day.

What a day. What a weekend. Sleep...null. Food...hardly. A lot of questions...a lot. A lot of Ibuprofen. I am not sure what all has gone on. I feel like it's been kind of like a car wreck. Ironically, I witnessed a car wreck on Friday night...a horrible car wreck and I was the only witness. The girl stepped out of her totalled car, arm bleeding profusely, and the first thing she said to me was: "Did you see what happened? I have no idea how this happened." Exactly car-wreck-girl. I feel as though I am waking up, upside down in my car...banged up, but not sure how I got to this point. I want to stop and ask someone: "Did you see what happened? I have no idea what happened."

Running tally of the emotions of the past two days: confusion, betrayal, hurt, shock, dismay, stupidity, anxiety, pity, heartbroken, void of speech, loss, totally duped, scared, sad, sick, naive, depressed...and did I mention confused?

Things will get better. As Sara says, "I will not let this bitter root grow in me." I have let others' problems affect my life to a degree it never should have reached. My life is uncomplicated, simple. I have school; I have work; I have incredible friends and family; I have a dog. I don't have drama, usually. I don't want drama. I wash my hands of this drama. It's just hard to watch people I care about in the middle of an emotional "tornado" and not step in to do something, to sound off a "tornado warning"...if you will. I am a chronic fixer...I want to fix every problem that comes my way, whether it's mine to fix or not. That's something I most definitely need to work on. I realize that's a problem I have. I need boundaries...I need distance...I need a magarita.

Tomorrow is a new day. Thank God for that. Thank God for simplicity and mercy and the kind of love you find in 1 Corinthians 13. Happier blogs to come my sweet ones.

"Tornado" by Sara Groves

You live your life like a tornado.
Destruction follows everywhere you go.
And you have no plans to stop or slow.

I will not let this bitter root grow in me.
I will not let you leave that legacy.
But it gets so hard when pain is all I see.

And every time I find healing, you're making a new mess.
And I am learning the real meaning of forgiveness.

And I tried to remove myself from your path,
but I keep on waking up in the aftermath.
So I pick up again and say I won't look back.

And I will not let this bitter root grow in me.
I will not let you leave that legacy.
But this constant fight is breaking me.

And every time I find healing, you're making a new mess.
And I am learning the real meaning of forgiveness.

And it hurts when you hit at the hearts of the ones I love;
when everything you touch is rubble and dust.
And it gets so hard to know how to trust.

But I will not let that bitter root grow.
I will not let it, no no.
But it gets so hard.

And every time I find healing you're making a new mess.
And I am learning the real meaning of forgiveness.

The onyx wall...

What if the millions of stars are merely my plea-filled words, carried upwards in prayer, only to strike the black onyx wall I feel between God and me, to remain there eternally, a reminder of the distance between the Creator and His creation, a reminder of how small and insignificant I am, a reminder of the thousands of prayers I do not think ever reached His ears?

Do not forget to remember...

I cannot believe it is the end of the semester. I mean, I am glad that after Friday I will not have to live assignment to assignment, but where has the time gone? At this rate, falling into a schedule where weeks fly by and entire months seemingly slide through my fingers, I understand more and more the phrase: "In the blink of an eye". Maybe that phrase is "over-40's", but truly, time does fly. Last May I graduated, and I remember the entire day and all of its activities so well. Now it's May and I am watching friends graduate, as I pull together plans to wrap up the final course work towards my Masters. How has this happened? I am sure the next thing I know I will be in Dallas, sitting at a desk in my apartment, wondering how I even got there.

Does thinking like this frighten anyone else? Last May to this May...an entire year, and what have I done? Who have I seen? Have I done anything significant? Have I done anything to better my condition or the condition of the world around me? It is all a blur. I recall specific vignettes from my time at HSU, but the past five years are really all a blur, a congealed mass of time. I mean, think about it, five years ago I was worried about saying goodbye to my high school friends and whether or not we would maintain our close ties. Five years have passed...five years of classes (only a few of which I truly remember, but I am sure I sat in all of them), professors, friends come and gone, different dorm rooms--Behrens and Ferguson, different boyfriends, different parties and dances, different phone numbers and addresses, various roommates-- apartments and duplexes, different cars, different hair cuts and popular bands, many extra-curricular activities-- from intramurals to SING to pledging to NSO. Looking back, worries that I had as a freshman seem so insignificant now. Things that kept me awake at night no longer matter. The phrase-- "This too shall pass"--is true, even though it never feels like it at the time. Retrospect is a funny thing. Years of your life can be summed up in a handful of memories. The exam I studied for for the past two days will not matter this time next year, and I will not remember how chaotic the preparation was, and I will most likely not even recall the information on the exam. I can hear the voice of my roommate on the phone right now, but in a few years I won't remember the details of what our apartment looked like, and the timbre of her voice will fall completely out of my memory. There are many examples here, but I find the concept fascinating. Is this what life is? A metaphorical jar filled with memorable moments scrawled on tiny slips of paper? Do the everyday things just fall to the wayside? When I am 50 I may not recall some of my favorite memories--the feeling of a my ex-boyfriend's face, cleanly shaven, brushing against mine; the feeling of my baby brother's arms wrapped around my neck before I leave my parents house; the sound of Rachel or Cara's laugh as we drive around town together. All we have is the present--here and now. We have to savor all the moments we feel like we could live in forever, because they will not be there forever. Live in the moment. Fill your life with snapshots of poignant times spent with people you care about. Truly fill your days with meaning. Move past the insignificant, the petty. Let your senses do all of the work...when you are in a moment you never want to step out of, close your eyes and remember....remember.

It was like...

magic.

Doctor Marcia Fieldstone: People who truly loved once are far more likely to love again. Sam, do you think there's someone out there you could love as much as her?
Sam Baldwin: Well, Dr. Marcia Fieldstone, that's hard to imagine.
Doctor Marcia Fieldstone: What are you going to do?
Sam Baldwin: Well, I'm going to get out of bed every morning... breathe in and out all day long. Then, after a while, I won't have to remind myself to get out of bed every morning and breathe in and out... and then, after a while, I won't have to think about how I had it great and perfect for a while.
Doctor Marcia Fieldstone: Tell me what was so special about her?
Sam Baldwin: How long is your program? Well, it was a million tiny little things that, when you added them all up, meant we were supposed to be together... and I knew it. I knew it the very first time I touched her. It was like coming home... only to no home I'd ever known. I was just taking her hand to to help her out of a car and I knew. It was like... magic.