"There's nothing like unrequited love...

to take all the flavor out of a peanut butter sandwich." -- Charlie Brown

Startling information will be revealed in this blog.

Have all of you seen "Garden State"? Please say yes. I have had the privilege of watching it several times within the last two weeks, but yesterday was the first time that I sat and watched the ending uninterrupted and without my mind wandering. If you have seen it, think about the scene in the bathtub with me. Andrew and Sam are sitting in the bathtub (fully clothed, of course), just talking about life. I am not sure why, but this scene affected me in a different way yesterday than it has in previous viewings. Though they are not physically touching, the language and the connection between them is so intimate. Their conversation is something that all of us twenty-somethings can relate to...the desire to be with someone and feel at home. Andrew says to Sam, "Safe...when I'm with you I feel so safe, like I'm at home." Who didn't want to reach out and touch the screen at this moment? You know you did; don't even pretend. The intimacy was so palpable we all wanted a piece of it, to be in that moment. We want the closeness, the connection, the recognition that though life is difficult at times, having someone beside you that you love and that loves you in return makes it all worthwhile. This is a piece of the conversation they have:
Andrew: F--k, this hurts so much.
Sam: I know it hurts, but it's life and it's real. And sometimes it f---ing hurts, but it's life, and it's pretty much all we got.
I love that conversation because it is so real. Two people, coming together on common ground, and understanding that though there are ups and downs in everything, what they have is good. True companionship. Earlier in the conversation Andrew talks about when he was a kid he remembers crying so hard that snot was running down his face and his mother, who was holding him, offered him her sleeve to blow his nose on. He says that he knew what love was at that moment. Love is simple. Love is selfless. Love is putting yourself out there...putting your heart on the line. Love is found in moments as small as the one Andrew talked about. In holding someone as they cry or simply listening as they talk. Putting another person before yourself. There are many poignant moments in "Garden State", so if you haven't seen it...go buy it right now.

Okay, I promised startling information, so here it goes. I rambled on and on about "Garden State" because it made me realize some things about myself. If you know me at all, you know I tend to be cynical when it comes to relationships. Most of the couples I know gross me out, this is true. Dating has, at times, seemed pointless because all the guys I have gone out with recently are only looking for one thing, and to that one thing I say, yeah right! These guys have tainted my outlook on all men for sometime now. All of the married people I know are fairly dull and isolate themselves in their house, which to me seems extremely boring. I like flying by the seat of my pants. Going on a vacation at the drop of a hat. Keeping busy. Not having to run my plans by anyone. This all translates into: I am selfish and I cannot pick out a decent, respectful guy to save my soul.

So, now that you have the inside track, you should also know that I have probably been a horrible girlfriend in the past. I never thought of myself as a commitment-phobic, but maybe I was. While getting my undergrad, I dated one great guy, but I was always busy. Rehearsals for plays, stacks of unfinished homework, hanging out with friends, going out with my boyfriend, meetings for my sorority, SING practice, etc. I did not make my relationship with said boyfriend my number one priority because everything else was clouding my view. I used to think that maybe if I had really been in love, love I would have made our relationship my number one priority, but I cannot know that for sure. Anyway, fast forward to present day. I am working on my masters. My classes are not that difficult, and though the workload has increased, I find it is easier to complete. My nights are open, and I would love nothing more than to spend time with someone I love, sitting around the house watching movies or reruns of Seinfeld and Friends or sitting at Starbucks talking over coffee. (Re-reading this I realize it sounds like a personal ad...sad.) It's the little things. The moments where you would love to just have someone beside you to laugh with, even if it's at some stupid Abilene commercial while you're sitting in silence, comfortable, just watching TV. There is a momentary connection there. I want that connection. I feel like maybe I have matured over the past year, and my outlook on relationships is not as negative (emphasis on as). I want a relationship. This is the shocking news. I actually really want to be in a relationship. I have the time to devote to someone I love. I want to be there everyday for someone like I never could before. I have time to catch-up over the phone or meet for a cup of coffee. I can mold my schedule around someone else's. This is new for me, as is the desire to do so. I feel like I cheated not only my ex-boyfriend, but also myself. I understand now what it takes...now all I need is the person I am supposed to be with, and I know this may take years to actually happen, but it is nice to know that I am more open to it happening. I see people in relationships all around me, some functional...others dysfunctional, but I watch and I learn and I am ready to do it up right. This is a big step for me, but I have experienced love before and I now realize I should not have let it go so easily. Next time it comes around I will drop everything...if it's requited, of course.

A few quotes I found and liked:

"A loving relationship is one in which the loved one is free to be himself -- to laugh with me, but never at me; to cry with me, but never because of me; to love life, to love himself, to love being loved. Such a relationship is based upon freedom and can never grow in a jealous heart."
Leo F. Buscaglia

"To be kind to all, to like many and love a few, to be needed and wanted by those we love, is certainly the nearest we can come to happiness."
Mary Stuart (Scottish queen, 1542-1587)

"I feel that there is nothing more truly artistic than to love people"
Vincent van Gogh

"I love a hand that meets my own with a grasp that causes some sensation"
Samuel Osgood