Hold me now...

by Jennifer Knapp

From glass alabaster she poured out the depth of her soul.
O foot of Christ would you wait if her harlotries known?
Falls a tear to darken the dirt
of humblest offerings to forgive the hurt.
She is strong enough to stand in your love.
I can hear her say....

I'm weak.
I'm poor.
I'm broken Lord
but I'm yours.
Hold me now.
Hold me now.

Let he without sin cast the first stone if you will.
To say that my bride isn't worth half the blood that I've spilled.
Point your finger and laugh if you choose
to say my beloved is borrowed and used.
She is strong enough to stand in my love.
I can hear her say....

I'm weak.
I'm poor.
I'm broken Lord
but I'm yours.
Hold me now.
Hold me now

I am, I am, I am...

I saw my life branching out before me like the green fig tree in the story.

From the tip of every branch, like a fat purple fig, a wonderful future beckoned and winked. One fig was a husband and a happy home and children, and another fig was a famous poet and another fig was a brilliant professor, and another fig was Ee Gee, the amazing editor, and another fig was Europe and Africa and South America, and another fig was Constantin and Socrates and Attila and a pack of other lovers with queer names and offbeat professions, and another fig was an Olympic lady crew champion, and beyond and above these figs were many more figs I couldn't quite make out.

I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death, just because I couldn't make up my mind which of the figs I would choose. I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, as I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and, one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet.

Art imitates life...or is it vice versa?

I want to loosely tie together 3 seemingly unrelatable things, that when listed together may seem even more improbable.

1. "Mr. Jones" by Counting Crows
2. Owen Wilson's recent suicide attempt
3. "Home" by Chris Daughtry

Though in my mind these two songs and the above current event from the celebrity world fit together seamlessly, picking apart the sciffywoo of my brain to adequately express it in a controlled manner is not the easiest task, but I will hit you with my best shot...and fire away.

Let's dissect...one at a time.

I love the Counting Crows. They are the first band I fell madly in love with and it was mostly because I had never heard music with a truly literary element. The depth of Adam Duritz's poetry, and the way that it is both deep and relevant to everyday life, still amazes me. Anyway, I am sure all of you have heard "Mr. Jones", but have you ever heard the live version off of their vh1 album "Across the Wire"? If you haven't, do yourself a favor and itunes it people! The two versions, the studio version and the live version, take on completely different tones. The differences are subtle, but most definitely there. The studio version was their first major hit. It's all about the dream of becoming a rock star...of a life where everything is handed to you on a plate. A life of glamour and fame, free from loneliness. The live version is this very life realized...the jadedness, the pressure, and the forthcoming depression when you realize that maybe there's no real substance behind achieving a dream driven by the desire for the bigger and better in a purely materialistic sense. If you listen to the slight changes he makes to the lyrics on the live version, you can hear the pain and the let down of something he once wanted (back to the studio version) more than anything. Together, Mr. Jones and Adam would "tell each other fairytales" and "look into the future" to a time where they were going to be "big stars," but after time passes and the fairytales turned into reality, they "don't see each other much anymore." They never sit and dream and soak in the simplicities of life. Finding joy in the little things, conversations with Mr. Jones over a few beers, has been overshadowed by what he thought he wanted. Compare the differences in tone for yourself:

Studio version:

When everybody loves you, you can never be lonely.
When everybody loves me, I will never be lonely.
I will never be lonely.
I will never be lonely.
I want to be a lion.
Everybody wants to pass as cats.
We all want to be big, big stars, but we all got different reasons for that.
When everybody loves you, that's just about as funky as you can be.
Mr. Jones and me staring at the video.
When I look at the televisionI want to see me staring right back at me.
We all want to be big stars, but we don't know why
and we don't know how.
But when everybody loves me, I'm going to be just about as happy as I can be.
Mr. Jones and me, we're gonna be big stars.

Live version:

So you wanna be a rock n' roll star?
Well listen now to what I say.
Just get an electric guitar and learn how to play,
just learn how to play.
Everybody wants to pass as cats.
We, we all wanna be big, big, big, big, big stars,
but then we get second thoughts about that.
Well man, when everybody loves you, that can be about as
f****d up as you can be.
Well can't you hear me 'cause I'm screamin'?
And I did not go outside yesterday.
Don't wake me, cause I was dreamin',
and I might just stay inside again today.
Cause Mr. Jones and me, we don't see each other much anymore.

This week it was announced that Owen Wilson, actor and screenwriter, was found in his home and taken to the hospital after a suicide attempt. I learned this via radio on my way to the post office. The person covering this headline followed the news by saying, "Why would someone like Owen Wilson want to commit suicide? I mean, really...what's the hardest thing he faces? Choosing which parties to go to and which girls to sleep with?" I found this comment both sad and true. Sad because we will never have any idea what he is really faced with. What kind of demons he fights off day after day. But, on the other hand, I find it true because this is a guy who seemingly has it all: money, fame, upcoming projects, family, friends, etc. It truly looks like, from the outside, this guy has it all and has it all together. Obviously, this is not the case. The radio guy went on to say, "If this guy can't find the will to live, with practically everything he could ever want, where do we find the motivation?" I understand his point, but I also think it's in the attitude in which everything is perceived. We may find motivation and passion in what we do on a day to day basis, who we meet along the way, who we come home to, etc. We may find our drive in the real, palpable things that affect us. Just like Adam Duritz believed that fame would open every door...I am sure that fame has opened many doors for Owen Wilson, but maybe he finally got to a point where he wanted more. Maybe he wanted to be affected instead of just going along for the ride. Fame and fortune are worldly abstractions and distractions. If, in life, you get to a point where you have all you thought you wanted but you have nothing satisfying, nothing of substance, I cannot imagine anything more frightening. I think this is the point Adam Duritz was making. I know there is no way of knowing, but when people only see what Owen Wilson or other countless celebrities have, maybe no one stops to think about what they don't have...what their seemingly full lives may possibly be missing.

I recently heard Chris Daughtry speak about his song "Home," and it made me appreciate him both as a musician and as an individual. This is the final item on this list of comparisons because it seems to me that this is what the other two people, both Owen Wilson and Adam Duritz, may be searching for quite unsuccessfully. When Daughtry spoke about his newfound fame he said it has been difficult, just as we see Adam Duritz relaying, but he referred to his wife (who he speaks to directly in the song: “The miles are getting longer it seems, the closer I get to you. I've not always been the best man or friend for you, but your love remains true and I don't know why. You always seem to give me another try.”) as his rock and his hero, and his children (a step-daughter and adopted son) as his life. He talked about being out on the road and finally living the dream that he has been chasing for so long, but that the shiny coin of fame definitely has another side: "Be careful what you wish for,'cause you just might get it all. You just might get it all, and then some you don't want." He is away from what is most important to him...his family. They keep him grounded and they greet him with love and open arms. He made it clear that he doesn't regret the path his life has taken, but the day to day mingling of strangers and other musicians, etc. cannot equal the unconditional love and familiarity he has at home, stating, “These places and these faces are getting old, so I'm going home…to the place where love and feeling good don't ever cost a thing.” Daughtry seems to have his priorities straight, saying his heart is always firmly planted at home, “the place where I belong, where your love has always been enough for me,” even though he may be a continent away. He says he has quickly learned about the cost of achieving your dreams and that sometimes things you care about get lost or left behind along the way. Daughtry closed by saying that with a fast onset of fame, you have to cling to everything you want to survive in the end and you must have your priorities straight, because if you don't...good luck.

I agree with that, and I feel like Adam Durtiz and Owen Wilson would agree as well. You have to live a life of meaning. You have to realize value, both within yourself and in the people that love you/you love. You have to work to protect and preserve what is important to you. And mostly, in life, you have to wrap up everything you treasure, hold it close, and run like hell through a crowd of people that want things from you, that ask you to spread yourself too thin, that shoot flaming arrows, and that have rigged land mines beneath your feet all in an effort to slow you down or take you down...and you just have to pray to God that when you get to the other side everything you love is still with you.

I keep your picture in my worn-through shoes...

Someone Else’s Life by Joshua Radin

And somehow I'm leading someone else's life;
I cut her star down with my knife.
And right now I still see the way the moon
plays this tune though our night's died.

My hands shake.
My knees quake.
It's every day
the same way.

'Cause then came you.
Then there's you.
I keep your picture
in my worn-through shoes.
Then there's you.
Then came you.
When I'm lost
I look at my picture of you.

And somehow I'll make tonight our own,
show you every way I've grown since I met you.
And right now I'll be the boy in your next song
I'll learn the parts and play along if you let me.

My hands shake.
My knees quake.
It's every day
the same way.

'Cause then came you.
Then there's you.
I keep your picture
in my worn-through shoes.
Then there's you.
Then came you.
When I'm lost
I look at my picture of you.

If you let me, I'll show the world to you.
Yes, if you let me, I'll know just what to do.

'Cause then came you.
Then there's you.
I keep your picture
in my worn-through shoes.
When I'm lost in your eyes
I see the way for me.

It's the little things...

Going to Target on your lunch break is a death wish. Seriously. Pandemonium.

I wouldn't go there unless I needed something desperately, and it just so happened that I needed something...desperately. So, I made a mad dash. Foregoing a cart I knew what I needed and made a beeline. Walking fast, I of course found myself on the heels of a mother lecturing her child, an older woman who was trying to decide between Kleenex or Kleenex with lotion, a couple debating Diet Coke vs. Diet Coke Plus. Ugh.

Doesn't it seem like when you are in a hurry the world moves in slow motion. "Lady, no one in the history of the world has ever walked this slowly. Ever." Wonderful and uplifting thoughts like that enter your mind when you feel put out in the least. Well, my hour lunch break was dwindling and I knew exactly what I needed, but people and Target employees and spilled drinks kept getting in my way.

Finally, I had what I needed in hand and made my way to one of the supposedly-faster-checkout-lanes. It wasn't. So, going against my gut I switched. Don't ever switch lanes. You are guaranteed a longer wait in the line you switch to. Or maybe that is just my luck. I was now standing in the 10 item or less line, frustrated. I was undoubtedly looking at my watch, checking my cell phone, keeping an eye on the line I had been in...when I noticed the people standing in front of me.

A grandmother and grandson were ahead of me in line. I imagine it was the little boy's birthday. Or maybe he did something spectacular that his grandmother wanted to recognize. He had a stack of Pokemon cards in his hand and the biggest smile on his face. When it came time for him to put the cards up on the counter, he laid each of them down gently and paid close attention as the woman at the register scanned each one and placed it in the bag. He quickly moved to hold the bag as his grandmother paid for the cards and his excitement was contagious. In watching this I had forgotten all about the time and the fact that I was frustrated and on my lunch break. My attitude completely changed. As he walked away I said to the cashier, "How does it feel to have just made that little boy's day? I haven't seen someone that excited in a long time." She said, "I know...oh, look at him. He is excited." At this point, the girl behind me spoke up and said, "That's adorable." To which I replied, "I haven't been that excited about anything in a long time." And as I walked away both of them said, "Yeah, me either."

As I left, I passed the grandmother kneeling beside the boy and opening a package of the cards. He couldn't even wait to leave the building.

As we get older, it seems that things have to be bigger and better to make us happy. The happiness that was once caused by a candy bar in the checkout line is now an ipod or a new car or a vacation. I wish I could get back to that simplicity. I mean, I still have glimpses of simplistic joys: a vanilla Diet Coke on a crappy day, an ice cream cone before lunch. But yeah, to anticipate getting something as small as a pack of cards so much that I have to rip it open before I step foot outside the store...that would be nice. Wouldn't it? Finding joy in the smallest things. I think the world would be a happier place if we could all master that perspective.

I want to carry you...

"Carry" by Billy Collins

I want to carry you
and for you to carry me
the way voices are said to carry over water.

Just this morning on the shore,
I could hear two people talking quietly
in a rowboat on the far side of the lake.

They were talking about fishing,
then one changed the subject,
and, I swear, they began talking about you.

Team sports and relationships...

When I was a child I played several sports: basketball, soccer, softball. These, of course, are all team sports and it just so happens that I was always on the worst team. But being on the worst team never held my spirit back. Our record could be 0-8 and I could still be found practicing in the backyard every night, putting forth my best effort at practice, and having hope at the games when batter after batter was struck out and every ball that was hit to the outfield was fumbled or just completely missed. It was the love of the game and the desire to work on something and become better. The feeling of working hard, even through the losing streaks, and coming out on top...being a winner.

I can remember going home after games in tears and my mother telling me, Melia...it doesn't matter how hard you work. If the other players on your team don't care or don't put forth the effort that you do, you're never going to win. You can be the best player in the world, but unless your team works together you are going to lose every time. You can't expect to single-handedly hold up an entire team.

My mother's words span across many areas in life, not just team sports. Let's take relationships for instance. You can be in a relationship for all the right reasons...to have fun, to work as a team, because you have that desire and love for a person. You can give 100% day in and day out...putting forth all the effort you can muster. You can work hard, through any issues, and try to come out on top. You can be loyal and driven. You can have faith and hope and all of the elements of perseverance. But, unless the other person on your "team" is willing to put forth the same kind of effort, it's a lost cause. It doesn't matter how hard you work or how much hope or faith you have. You can be the best version of yourself, but unless that desire is returned...unless together you can attempt to muddle through any rough patches with the knowledge that your "team" will come out on top, you're never going to win.

I was never very good at accepting that fact about team sports. That's why I switched to tennis.